you had your chance

Wed, 19 Sep 2007 20:39:58 GMT

Under your spell again. I can't say no to you. Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand. I can't say no to you. Shouldn't have let you torture me so sweetly. Now I can't let go of this dream. I can't breathe but I feel... Good enough, I feel good enough for you. Drink up sweet decadence. I can't say no to you, And I've completely lost myself, and I don't mind. I can't say no to you. Shouldn't let you conquer me completely. Now I can't let go of this dream. Can't believe that I feel... Good enough, I feel good enough. It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good. And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall. Pour real life down on me. 'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough. Am I good enough for you to love me too? So take care what you ask of me, 'cause I can't say no

It's taken me a while but I've finally finished learning this song on the piano, don't sound as great singing as I used to a few years back, but I suppose thats my fault for giving up on it. this song should be the theme-song of my life/relationship with Brendon, because it pretty much perfectly describes me (and the relationship) perfectly, for some reasons acoustic songs, or ones that have a lot of piano in them mean a lot to me, and I'm not sure why but they just get to me.

Ryan walked in on me practicing today, and said that I sounded pretty (I think he was lying) and it embarrassed the hell out of me. I guess we all have our guilty pleasures, and mine is sitting in front of the piano singing evanescence songs and pretending to be something that I always wanted to be... I always wanted to be a musician, but I ended up just being a damn roadie (my fault for giving up). I guess I always thought kids like me never get famous, anyway, doubters never get anything.

This year has been so intense, so many things happening and going wrong all at once, dramatics, dramatics. but what can we do huh? pretty much nothing haha, Thanks Jayde you just answered your own question, idiot. I lost my favorite pen the other day, and now I'm sad because thats the one that I use to do all my writing in, (shut the fuck up, its not my fault my moodswings are so intense and this stuff makes me sad) God this song is so depressing, and I miss my Brenny Bear, because he really is the reason I wake up in the morning and fall asleep at night, and everything else in between,

Gosh, whats going to happen next in our spiral of doom? think happy thoughts Jayde, you're making up situations and problems that don't (and never will) exist, but god damn it really does seem like all the bad things happen to the people in this household. Funny how things like that work out, I guess, maybe not. cause I'm not really laughing.

By the way, Brendon. have I ever told you that you mean the world to me?

cause you really do.

I love you <3

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 18:48:27 GMT

Sometimes I wake up and look in the mirror, and I realize that I don't know who I am anymore. so thank you, thank you so fucking much, for opening my eyes up, and just clearing up any doubt that I may of had. you inconsiderate son of a bitch. your existence is a bad joke, and everyones just waiting for it to end so we don't have to put up with the faux story lines and the bad fucking punchlines.

I'm ashamed of you, and to be completely honest.
I meant it when I told you to go die in a ditch.
I fucking hate you.

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 19:17:11 GMT

Maybe I should stop caring, so far it hasn't done me any good. you act as if it's a sin to answer any of my questions, like you'll go to hell if you show your feelings. but even hinting at it, or mentioning "what about you", and you run away with an argument on the tip of your tongue. I'm honestly sick of this being the only thing on my mind. this isn't fair on any of us, and we all know that. I know you both know, so great, brilliant even, I must have the two most tolerant boys in the world but you know what? screw it. I never intended for this whole thing to happen. god, you are such and asshole.

I swear if you ever looked through the diary I write in almost every night, that you'd find Polaroids of us, and lyrics that remind me of you. how stupid is it that I have my laptop beside me ripping audio off of youtube of you singing a song to thousands of people that I wish you could sing to me, it's amazing what effect those words spilling from your lips cause on me, lyrical lies, and please excuse the Cute Is What We Aim For reference there. Oh I wish I were like you, so bottled up and "fuck you" to the world, but I am, only I'm not.

If I ever decide to run away I'll leave this little book on your pillow for you to read, but if I do that you'll know I wont be coming back. Gabriel is god-sent. Midtown is my life in musical form, I'd give you a mix CD with the songs from every band I love and that remind me of you, but thats just so cliche high school, and no one likes being reminded of high school, especially you, I'd imagine. but as I was saying, he's an anti-drug to my anti-drug. fix a vice with a vice, or whatever Ryan says.

I wish I knew what you wanted from me, really, I do. Because I need to know if this is just a waste of time, I'll answer your question here because it feels safer saying things on here than it does to your face, We're not all we could be. You know, you're the exact type of person I gave shit to in high school, the exact same type of person I never gave a chance, and wow, I gave you a chance and it was probably the best thing I've ever done.

Catherine I miss you, we need to talk.

I wish one of those "unexpected-events-that-changes-everything" things would be great right now, screw this, I'm not putting effort into this anymore, I give up. I've always wanted what I can't have so I'll just stay with what I can have, and what I really want. but it will still hurt every time you tell me you don't believe, but sorry, this game is over, this really is over with.

I love you Jonathan.

.sp
¿eulb yks eht si yhw

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 05:04:11 GMT

through every thing, day in, day out.
you're the only clarity in everything I've ever done, our flaws are our trophies, and I for one, parade them around like they're god sent; usually. We get each other. everything just, fits. this isn't going to go down well, but secrets don't make friends. every time I'm unsure, upset, frustrated, anything, you just have this amazing power to make me laugh and forget everything. you hardly ask questions, you don't expect explanations on why I'm like that.

Polar opposites. you're the half-good, and I'm the bad. I swear our emotions, go up, down, left, right and center, but usually we end up meeting half way. I guess it's funny how things work out huh? I wouldn't go off and say I'm fine just yet, cause I know for a fact I'm not. I'm more reminiscent than usual, so I guess the time I spend thinking and re-running arguments and events in my head, can be dedicated to all the Sorry's that I never wanted to say.

Maybe you can read me like a book, but I like having to sit for hours and figure out what you're thinking, I'm not gonna start trying to figure you out just yet. I guess as they say, everything happens for a reason. god, I hope this is going to be good.

thanks for making me smile.
wish I was there for you, when you needed it.

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 18:42:03 GMT

I really hate to complain, but I can't stand this any more.
I never thought I'd feel so alone, not like this.. not like I do right now. I'm lost for words to describe just how emotionally broken I am right now. It's almost as if everyone I've ever held close to me, long-term, or short. I seem to be losing. everyone else in this house might have their ups and their downs, Catherine and I can compare, but I doubt anyone else in here could understand, and even then I don't even think she could.

I'm so scared of losing more of the people I care about. I'm so scared of having so many things going unsaid. I'm so, fucking, scared of being alone.

I can't keep doing this, I can't keep living like this. I'm tearing myself apart with all these secrets, and all this... emotion, that I refuse to show. I can't keep locking myself in the bathroom and crying so hard I'm almost sick. I can't. keep. up.

I've said so many times to myself that it's useless trying to pour my heart and soul into making everyone understand, or care, but the tension inside me is unbearable. At any given moment now I swear, I could just snap. I can't stop crying, I can't stop shaking. I can't stop anything.

Do you even know how useless I feel right now?

I refuse to keep lying to myself, and telling myself it's alright, and that these bad days will turn into something good. I'm kidding myself when I wake up in the morning and think that the day ahead wont be full of tragic events. I can't get a grip on this.

Pessimism. I can't. I can't. I can't.
Denial. I'm not pushing them away.
Apathy. theres nothing I can do.

I want so bad to scream at you all, blame you all for leading me astray, for making me think I was safe, I want to scream at you until my voice gives out, and my tear stained cheeks are black. I want nothing more that for you all to know, just how much I need you.

I want you all to know I cant live without you. It's too late to do anything now. It's too late to say I ever cared. Selfish or not. I just need you to tell me that everything is going to be okay. I just... I just need you here. guilt trip me, and yell at me all you want. I'll take a guess and say it was directed at me. but regardless. things can't possibly get worse. Just to think, one touch from you could break my heart, but a word would bring me to tears. whydoyouhavetoalwaysbesoright.

I love you too.

Sat, 18 Aug 2007 18:59:34 GMT

Xanax, Lithium, Ambien, Vicodin.. what else what else? My false reality is shattering with this overwhelming sense of responsibility, though in fact, I haven't had anything to feel responsible about. theres things that I'd like to tell you all but in fact I can not, so whats a conversation when nothing is to be said? I'll pick a fight with you for the most trivial things, ohh shes attention seeking.

Don't ask me stupid questions you know I'll yell at you. every second of every day, the world gets less fuzzy and danger kicks in. this isn't good? yeah you could say that again. something good will always be counteracted by something bad. I'll keep looking for the day that something so terrible will happen it will rip us all apart. but I don't really want that you see.

Every time I make up my mind something happens to make me second guess. I love you, I hate you. I can't live without you. fuck this is doing my head in. bathroom floors are my second home.. no, no they are my home. they always have been. your sachet of candy compares to nothing against my bag of tricks. act surprised, everyone in this house hold seems to be good at being something their not.

This is me completely avoiding my emotions.

Mon, 13 Aug 2007 11:43:41 GMT

I can't help but have a feeling somethings missing. your vague words spark interest, at the worst times. If only you could say them to my face, we'll both wonder what the consequences would be then, But I suppose I'll just have to deal with IM's and messages left on my phone. every morning I wake up and wish you wouldn't go, but I guess thats not going to fit in your schedule, you're such a sweet, charming boy. so what are you doing with me? oh god damn these questions that plague my mind at every chance I do get to see you. I don't get this, this isn't what I wanted. I'm so sick of being so selfish. I always wanted to be just like you.. I'm not sure if thats the case anymore, but I sure do have your tact down perfectly.
I am just a mirror image of you.

(s)aint

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 09:13:53 GMT

I remember when you told me I should live like I'm dying and not to close my eyes while everything burns. good advice, but i've never been a listener. when things go wrong, we always look for someone to blame. I guess when we want to save ourselves and save our friends, who do we choose? obviously ignorance isn't bliss, because if it were we'd still be at home, worrying and calling the police. we've got more blood on our hands than you have running through your veins.

Don't judge a book by it's cover baby. this isn't going to work out like we think it will. oh these songs make me think of all the lies I've told and all the hearts I've broken. but when it comes to you it's do or die. lets hope we choose the first option because I can't breathe without you. oh no, this story has been told too many times, Las Vegas, here we are. you can't corrupt the broken, and you won't save the lost. close your eyes and listen carefully. you can hear the whispered lies, but you can't hear the screams?

you're just pretending not to know what goes on behind closed doors.

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 10:35:33 GMT

ohmyfuckinggod. I just... oh my god.

i just.. i fucking just.. I fucking hate all of you.

Anger.

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 10:06:56 GMT

I have nothing to say to any of you. You're all parading around blaming each other for everything going on. your words might be vague but your intentions are nasty. you're acting like children and you're not making anything better by doing so. I dont know whats going on between any of you. so until I do, I'll keep telling you all, to get the fuck over yourselfs. because there are some people here to dont need to put up with your bullshit. I am fucking sick and tired of having tension in this household because of somethings that happen behind closed doors. I can have a guess at what's going on. but I dont think i want to. I have a feeling that knowing the truth would hurt more than not being told anything at all. I can say this to your face but I hate you more right now that I've hated anyone in my entire life. you wont know it.. you'll never know it. i'd say fuck you all i don't need this shit. but thats a lie. maybe I'm over reacting, but I'm not hiding anything. funny that.

Insanity

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 10:06:07 GMT

Thoughtful state of mind, confusion out to play, never question anything, always do what you're told. be good, don't be bad, punishment will teach you never to do that again. well I thought it was clear when we all murmered "i don't love you" but I suppose not. I'll talk in tragedy and act in hysteria, but all in all out, you'll never know what I am really thinking. I think someone needs a holiday. all my questions have no answers and even if they did i wouldnt want to hear what you had to say. shes a second away from doing something stupid. whats this humanity you speak of, it's never done any good for me

Hysteria.

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 00:24:35 GMT

Tell me all that I've done wrong. rub salt on these wounds and tell me I'm an evil person. tell me my life is insignificant. tell me I've got nothing left to live for. But I'm wondering if saving me was the best idea. I regret it all, my whole existance is a regret, and a mistake, Don't tell me I've over reacting but I shouldn't even be alive today. I shouldn't have been brought into this hospital and treated for my wounds once again. I deserved it. I should burn in hell for all my past mistakes and all my current misfortunes. I'll explain and add in excuses. but I have no reason to make all these seem okay.

I can't stand to see this happen. no, this didnt work out like i thought it would. he wasnt part of my long term commitment. I've said it a hundred thousand times. but I know marrige wasnt the smartest idea. christmas eve will be disasterous, september firsts will be horrendus, my life is shameful, and this just takes the fucking cake. I understand this and I know what I've done wrong. I'm sorry and I can not fix this mess. not now. maybe not ever. I would rather die than live knowing that i let this fail. and dying may be my only option. I didnt want to do any of this. but I thought that that felt right amonst the confusion. none of you have any idea what this is like.

judge me judge me hate me leave me. I miss the old times when we were boyfriend and girlfriend. wok to your box. sexual inuendo. awkward smiles and i love yous a million times a day. I can't do one fucking thing to change this. I cant do one fucking thing to make you understand. but every single fucking thing I did was to make you happy. and i've never been able to say no to you.. and I've made a mistake. I am human, but I'd rather be in the ground at this time. crazy talk I think not. if you care enough you'll know where I am. but I doubt you'll ever come looking for me. i cant tell you enough that you'd never understand.

I fucking love you. and this is breaking my heart just as much as it is yours.
I'm sorry you ever knew me. you deserve so much better.
I'm so fucking sorry.
I'll take this apology to my grave.
I know you wont take it to yours.

Strange.

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 15:56:10 GMT

the few months have gone by so fast, life is a blur and I'm not sure where everything is going. I'm happy how I am with my life but Im not sure exactly if this is still technically my life. I'm getting dizzy just thinking about how fast paced this is. regardless of the bi-polarness of my life at the moment. Mrs. Urie.. this sure isnt where i expected to be when i was ten years old. living the life in california. i suppose this is better than the life i had on the east coast... but every story has its tragedies. I cant really explain what I'm feeling because like I said, everything is moving so fast. I'm scared that this happiness will wear off and something far worse than our mini soap opera drama that we've had will happen. but I guess that's what life is. mini little dramas packed together in hope for a happy ending. kudos if you get them and hey a pat on the back and a better luck next time if you dont.

I'd agree with brendon, though it isnt really me getting all of the attention, but trust me I get a share of it. angsty teen girls posting blogs and sending what they think are the most nasty adult type insulting IM's to my screen names telling me i ruined their lives is just fantastic. Like I planned just breaking all of their tiny little self centered hearts and marrying their favorite band member of their favorite teeny bopper band. but honestly they can all go fuck themselfs.

but back on topic... I can not express just how.. confused I am at the moment. all these questions running through my mind. this all seems so unreal.. so... hollywood-esque. just how everything seems to perfectly fit into place. each character perfectly mesmorized on their lines. cut. take one million four hundred and seventy two. lightscamera action. tell me i'm just over reacting. slap me out of this train of thought. do something. because i just feel so fake. I dont know who i am. not at the moment...

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 17:30:11 GMT

.
post a photo of you on a normal day:

post a photo of you doing something normal on a normal day:

post a photo that describes your current mood:

post a photo of you doing something complete whack:

post a photo of your obsession:

post a photo of you and your favorite person ever:

post a photo of you and your ex(s):

post a photo of you and your current love:

♥

post a photo of you dancing:

post a photo of you sleeping:

post a photo of you smiling:

post a photo of you crying:

post a photo where at that time, you where truly happy:

post a photo of you cold:

post a photo of you drunk:

post a photo that's very revealing:

post a photo of you being a model:

post a photo which is highly photoshopped:

lol yuck

post a photo of you at a concert:

hottest merch girl you'll ever see

post a photo of you at homecoming:

post a photo of you as a child:

post a photo of your family:

post a photo of your suburb/city:

post a photo of you and your pet:

post a photo of you in swim wear:

post a photo of you in pj's:

post a photo of you in a dress (guys too):

post a photo of you in underwear:

LOL they're not mine!!!

post a photo of a previous hairstyle/colour:

post a photo of you being gangsta:

(lol)

post a photo of you being preppy:

(how the fuck do you be preppy?)

post a photo of you being a nerd:

post a photo of yourself right now:

sunshine

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 16:09:52 GMT

shessickandsad (1:24:27 AM): what was the worst dream you've ever had? like.. i mean full on terrible
this over with (1:24:43 AM): evil elves with red eyes and mini helicopters chasing me
shessickandsad (1:25:00 AM): LOL WHUT
this over with (1:24:54 AM): i was 7, ok

things like this remind me of how cute this boy is, and how much I've missed having a relationship. usually this is the time of year where I lock myself away and sulk over how terrible my life has been that year. But I suppose this LA life is exactly what the brouchure said it would be like. 99.9% of the time i'm smiling and or laughing. the other 0.1% of the time I'm not with him which is saying a lot. I can see this going somewhere and for once it's somewhere good. snow is my favorite thing in the world. second to him. is it too early to say that i could die happy? one two three. come out come out where ever you are. this is a brand new chapter. open wide.

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 12:24:27 GMT

I've been so busy this week, but compared to the others I've had it easy. I can hardly function I'm so out of it. Starbucks is my diet. I live off it. Cigarettes sitting on steps and watching the world go by. amusement in the strangest places. Ryan Ross has been one of my closest companions these past few days, and I can honestly say he is an amazing boy. the other most amazing people are on a plane with tickets marked Los Angeles. I can't wait to go to sleep but I can't urge myself more to stay awake. television is trash. I want to go out again and spend my time doing nothing out in the sun. I'm in love with this lifestyle but I am just too content spending my time in this house. so i will wait, and wait. my happiness is not to be questioned. my life is amazing. I'll tell you this now. you should've been there.

you're not leaving without a fight.

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 07:29:09 GMT

THE WHOS:
1. who was the last person you spoke to?
ryan

2. who was the last person to text you?
um.. kayla, shes a friend from jersey

3. whos house did you go to last?
haha i dont know anyone in LA. so i've pretty much just stayed here.

4. Who was the last person you told you love them?
um. i cant remember, havent said it in a long time

THE WHATS:

5. What was the last thing you ate?
a muffin! ryan made it for me

6. What was the last thing you did?
i just hit ryan with a pillow

7. What color pants are you wearing?
hahahahahaha im wearing pj bottoms with little sheep on them. theyre really cute.

8. What is the closest item near you that is blue?
ryans shirt. omg. STEALIN UR MAN CATZ

9. What are you wearing on your feet?
Nothing.

10. What instant messaging service do you use?
AIM.

11. What is your favorite website?
lj. lmao. gossipsz.

13. What do you wear more: jeans or trackies?
Jeans.

14. What is the last movie watched?
um. over the hedge. lmao it was so cute.

15. What do you currently hear right now?
ryan yacking about his day

THE WHENS:

16. When is your birthday?
september 14th

17.When did you last go to the mall?
yesterday

18. When did you last buy a new pair of pants?
yesterday! ryan picked them

19. When did you last take a shower?
15 minutes ago

THE WHERES:

20. Where is your favorite place to be?
i like.. being on tour with my friends.. actually. i just like being with the people i care about :]

21. Where is the phone?
my sidekick is in my hands. duh. and the house phone is in the kitchen.

22. Where is your mom?
jersey

23. Where do you sleep?
in brendons bed :]

24. Where do you shop the most?
um. i like ebay! hahaha im lazy

25. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
um... target

27. Where was your default MySpace picture taken?
i dont have a myspace

THE WHY'S:

28. Why did you fall in love with the one you love or have loved?
i'm not in love at the moment? and i cant remember why for my 'past love intrests'

29. Why does, basically, half the world have myspace?
i dont fucking know?

30. Why did you pick your MySpace user name?
i told you i dont have one!

31. Why did you pick your background?
nrtftyroite fuck offf

32. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
:3... its a long story actually. but i'll cut it down i guess...
according to catherine. i apparently like him.

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:

NOW

Is your hair up?
Nope.

Is your phone right beside you?
i'm holding my sk.

Do you wish you were somewhere else?
mhm

Do you have plans for tonight?
yep. me and ryry are sitting in bed with a whole bunch of junk food watching crappy black and white horror movies and talking about life. haha

Are you wearing makeup?:
to be honest? no

Are you wearing chapstick?:
nup

Are you cold?:
not really

Are you tired?
nope

Are you excited?
yep

Are you wearing pajamas?
yep

Who’s the last person that called you?
um... someone else from jersey

Anything you regret?
no

Ever stuck gum under a desk?
HAHA YES

Ever spit at someone?
no?

Ever kicked something living?
Yeah, but he deserved it.

Ever had your nails done?
Yep.

Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?
no?

LAST WEEK

Had any plans last week?
Yes.

Who did you see last week?
mostly ryan..

Was last week interesting?
sometimes

Kiss anyone last week?
no

Have you cussed?
fuck no.

Have you yelled at someone?
nah. im shy. lmao

Have you cried?
like never.

SPILL YOUR GUTS:

First thing you did this morning?
hug the first thing infront of me.

last thing you ate?
im eating popcorn

look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?
yessssss! in a few more days brendon and cat come home!

What’s the last movie you saw?
over the hedge

Do you believe in long distance relationships?
um.. somtimes.

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
i hope so

Do you wish on stars?
ya huh

Does it work?
nothing ever does

When was the last time you cried?
a few days ago

Do you like your handwriting?
um. its ok

Are you a friendly person?:
Yes.

Are you keeping a secret from the world?
yes

whos bed did you sleep in last night?
brendons.

What color shirt are you wearing?
pink :]

What is the color of your bedsheets?
theyre... blue. lol

What were you doing at 10 last night?
prolly attacking ryan

Last person you talked to:
ry

Ever cried on your friends shoulder?
Yes.

Are you a normally happy person?
mhm

Is your self-esteem low?
yes actually.

What color are your eyes?
greeeen. but i wear color contacts to make them brown ha. i really like brown eyes.

Do you like someone?
nope

Sun, 01 Jul 2007 15:40:07 GMT

So I'm home at last. NJ at it's finest. A while touring with Panic! At the Disco, that was great fun. 3 week and I'll be on warped. I get to see everyone again and I'm stoked. most amazing photos and videos. this year is the best year ever, and I can't wait to do this all over again. today isnt a big post, Its pretty hectic here, and I've got so much stuff to do. I miss the road so much already and i can't sit still. this life style is insane and it's so fucking good to be alive right now. anyway I'm going to go out and see some people i havent seen in ages. and tonight I'm going to party. these 3 weeks arnt going to be the same without the gang, miss you all. xox
ps. drunken polariods are the best

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 00:20:20 GMT

I miss the good times, I miss the old times. Days where all you could do is sit back and laugh at your past mistakes without a care in the world. I miss the days where everyone was happy and everyone was safe. My loved ones just a call away, no distance to far, but far enough not to be here. so i guess, the photo albums will hold the memories, and these empty rooms will hold all those words we said. if you gave me a time machine, i'd change everything and hope for the best. then again, some days i wouldnt trade this all for the world. I'm so stuck in denial and I dont even know it. I'm so happy where i am, but the past was so much better. I still miss the nights where we'd sit on the roof with a bottle of jack and a bottle of vodka, singing songs and watching the stars. deep deep down inside, i'm still broken and torn to pieces, but I dont let you see the real me, but what makes me now if this isnt real? im a hypocrite and i'm so.. wrong. so i dont know. I dont know. I really dont know. to tell you a funny story, I still call your cell phone and i still email your address. I still keep photos and i still write letters. I'll still sit here with your clothing clutched in my hands and my face buried in your shirts. but you know, nothing could have changed. nothing couldve prevented this. nothing, nothing, nothing. but why is it when i look at you, i dont see who you are, i see who i wish you were. i get so scared of where im at and who i've lost that i just break down and cry. my therapist is telling me that i need to look at life and decide what im doing and where i'm going. my doctor is telling me to take my medication. my mother and my father are telling me i'm better off dead. I'm telling myself that things will get better. but the voices in these walls are telling me nothings changing. so i dont understand where im going or where i've gone. but thats not too bad if you think about it in the long run. i'm not entirely sure, but i know that... this is harder than i thought. if this isnt love then i dont know what love is.. these pictures of us still make me remember how those days used to be. i'll renact each and every action and word. i'm so wound up in who i was. i'm repetitive and i'm feeling alone. no i will not stand up and fight. i'd rather lay down and die. sometimes it really is so tempting. but two losses are enough and i'm not going for lucky number three. fuck you're so far away even if youre right here with me. i cant stand it. i cant stand it. i cant stand it. i'm driving myself insane living in this memory.

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 20:50:37 GMT

YES HAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAAHAAHAHAAAH

I win at life, to be honest.
yes? YEH HAHA

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 13:33:26 GMT

promises are made to be broken, bust somehow i find my self with the inability to do anything. anything at all. thousands of days and nights can go by but still i'm the same as i started. so sure maybe this time i can shut my eyes and wish my problems away, but it wont work. i'll hide in the dark under the bed or in the closet. i'll run away at night but i'll always come back home. I want to leave but i can't go far. what is this? whats this.

so if you listen closely or if you look hard enough. some nights you'll see what i'm really like and some nights you wont. I am who I am. not one person, can ever be me. on that note i'll leave this sidekick on the floor beside me and i'll wander off to see if anything can catch my intrest. maybe i'll sit beside the staircase and listen to people on the telephone or maybe i'll sit on the roof and watch the world go by. i'm only a spectator but that doesnt seem to bother me.

I don't care about anyone half as much as i used to. i'm more selfish then ever and it's brilliant. but if i'm in a bad mood i wont yell or scream, i wont thow things at walls and i wont tell everyone one to die. when i'm upset i wont run for comfort, i wont cry infront of anyone. when i'm happy i wont smile, i wont laugh. when i'm excited i wont shake or jump about. apathy has rained on me. and i'm feeling like a soggy dream.

but maybe when i'm alone, i'll sit with my eyes shut and i'll listen to sad songs. these are a reminder and they've never felt so far away. this couldnt've been any better. i'm not pouring my heart out and i'm not going to wait for the world to fix my problems. i'm shutting everyone off. and i'm pushing everything away. the only person in this world that can hurt me doesnt exist. lights. camera. action.

this is my story. this is my role. this is my life.
fuck the world cause baby it's never seen anything like this.
this is my reality.

You're my wonderwall.

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 16:03:49 GMT

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now
And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall
Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

it isn't fair on you, and it isn't fair on me. today I made up my mind, and I'm not looking back.
give me a thousand songs that make me think of you, a million words we could've said.
so many sorry's, so many I love you's.
nothing more and nothing less.
this is the last time my mindless, heartless words will have the chance to be about you
no more letters, no more nothing.
I swear to you and to myself.
this is forever.
butforevermeansnever.

i'm not who you think i am.
tomorrow is a new day.
tomorrow without you.
tomorrow without you
tomorrow without you
tomorrow she said..
tomorrow is a new day.

I Don't Love You.

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 18:28:40 GMT

middle of the night i smell coffee.
i get all the way to the kitchen, smiling
before i remember you're dead.

relax, relapse

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 16:03:33 GMT

maybe this time i'll resist writing down thousands of lyrics that make me think of you. maybe i'll resist trying to convince you that it all wasnt a lie. maybe i should've believed every single word i've told myself about how horrible i am. and maybe i shouldve not come back at all. but you know you're right. i have no where else to go so i guess i'm stuck here until i can find somewhere. and trust me, i'm just as miserable as you wish i were.

self doubt self doubt. yeah i know, i do it a lot. every time i ever believed that this would work out.. every single time. obviously that was me just getting a little to over excited about life. hypocritical yes i know. but you know what? here i go again. i lie about lying. i lie about lying that i lied. making any sense? i didnt really think so. you don't know why i did it, or how long i did it for. but that doesnt matter, because I am fucking nothing to you, like i'm nothing to every single other person in this world.

so you know what? maybe i thought... maybe just once i thought i'd have someone who wouldnt give up on me, what a shame that is because obviously my efforts went unanswered. i'm sure you tried but i'm just so fucking hard to handle. you're the one who always gave me the worst thoughts, the worst things could pop into my head and i'd always consider them. so maybe the next time i dissapear i wont come back for good, and i know you wont bother to come looking for me.

so i guess every time i see you i always wanted to convince myself that you were for real, that you actually meant something, that I actually meant something. the first two worked fine, not sure about the last one. but now i know. now i really really know. I was so stupid to think that this would last, that you'd be different from the rest. so i suppose this is my own fault for pushing you away. sometimes i wonder if you're weaker than i am. but i can sit and realise, "hey, he can go on without me". but do i know if i can without you?

my eyes sting and burn. more so now than they did before. i'll run away and go to the ocean, look out as far as i can before looking away. if i wernt so scared of drowning i'd go in, and just let myself float away. might wash up somewhere interesting where no one knows my name, but to all those who do i'm just "the girl who dated brendon urie". days weeks months. the flavor of your lips is enough to keep me here.

no this isnt one of those girls who can predict the future, she isnt even one of those girls that you'd show to your parents. maybe i shouldve said no to you, maybe i shouldnt've let you go. maybe i shouldve stopped you. maybe i shouldnt have lied. maybemaybemaybemaybemaybefuckingMAYBE. all these questions dont have answers. and i'm looking for something that doesnt exist.

i'm selfish, so so selfish. i just... california was meant to take away my problems. but you dont even know half of them. you say you don't care, you say you dont care. you say this you say that. this never was about me. this was always about you. i'll draw attention to myself, and i'll be a pain in the ass, i'll boss you around, i'll tell you to do everything i want. because not once was this drama about me.

stupid girl. go back home.

do you honestly think i lied about it all? do you honestly think you never meant a thing to me? do you honestly think that i didn't love you? because i swear on everything that i am, and everything that i'm not. i loved you more than anything. you know why i didnt want you to know? because i wanted to figure myself out. i'm just as confused about who the fuck i am as you are. asume all you want. but that question you asked me that i never answered? heres you answer.

every single time i told you i loved you, every single time i told you i hated you, every single time i wanted you here, every single time i cried over you, every single time i regretted things i've done. every single fucking time i wished you fucking cared about me like i cared about you. and every single fucking time i wished you would understand.

I DID ALL OF IT BECAUSE I BELIEVED IN YOU. AND BECAUSE I BELIEVED THAT ALL THOSE WORDS WE SPOKE MEANT EVERYSINGLEFUCKINGTHING THAT I COULD EVER WISH I HAD AND THAT I WISH WERE TRUE. I BELIEVED THAT IF I WERE WITH YOU THAT IT WOULD GO AWAY. YOU WERE MY ESCAPE FROM REALITY AND I ONLY EVER DID EVERYTHING TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. I COULDNT STAND TO SEE YOU A MESS AND I COULDNT STAND TO KNOW THAT SOME HOW SOMETHING I DID HURT YOU.

SO I'M SORRY I WAS WRONG
AND I'M SORRY THEY TOOK MY PAIN AWAY.

I never really was who you wanted me to be.
and now I'm fucking nothing.

funny how the world works isnt it.

you'll never see me again.

1,025 words of self hatred

Thu, 31 May 2007 23:34:13 GMT

Maybe if I write down every part of my personality that I hate, every part that drives you insane; maybe I’ll see where I went wrong, and I’ll be the person you want me to be. I make the most trivial things into big deals, then again I was pretty much re-brought up my miss Catherine herself. So no surprise at me blowing things up out of proportion all of the time.

You’re like the devil, I’ll sell my soul to you and just hope for the best, just think happy thoughts, right? But when does life ever dish out something good that stays to people like us? The people who sin and commit crimes. We’re the kids no one ever wanted. But suddenly we’re the exact thing the doctor ordered.

So I’ll amuse you. I’ll tell you what I hate about myself. You might be shocked.

I’m clumsy, rude, forgetful, loud, DEMANDING, selfish, obnoxious, annoying, nasty, confusing and bitchy.
I’m never satisfied with anything and I always want more.
I say such hurtful things to the people I love most because… I don’t even know why.
I’m always demanding attention
I start pointless arguments
It’s like I go out of my way to annoy you and make you mad at me
I hold back from saying the good things
I’m negative, we all know that.
I hold grudges
I’ll jump at the opportunity to make someone feel like complete shit.
I’m never proud of anything I do
I want more than I deserve.
I use people
I drink
I smoke
I do drugs, Jesus Christ.
I’m a hypocrite
I swear
I offend people
I talk too much at the worst times
I fuck everything up
I never seem to care about anyone other than myself; which isn’t completely true.
I’m so fucking judgmental
I neglect people, but I expect everything from them
I have high expectations
I’m a mother fucking god damn princess.
I’m abusive
I pretty much seem to think the world revolves around me
I’m vain
I’m such a fucking liar.
I avoid my past.
I always seem to bring bad luck and people always get hurt.
I care about people so much I just can’t show it
I’m too fucking determined.
I don’t know when to give up
I’m so fucking co-dependant
I don’t talk about my problems
I shut people out when I’m upset
I’m the girl who never fucking cries.
I pretend everything’s okay when it isn’t.
I laugh in the face of death; literally
I am so fucking scared of everything it’s not even funny
I’m too paranoid
I say the worst things at the worst times
I ruin things for everyone
I should be dead
I second guess everything
I believe everyone is out to get me some way or another; I’m just waiting for them to turn.
I pretend to be someone I’m not
I fucking bitch and whine when I don’t get my way
I get too scared to say no sometimes
I hide the most important things from people.
And you know what? I am a self-destructive, immature, SELFISH girl.
And the only thing I can ever fucking think about is you. And it never makes any fucking sense, because never in my whole.

entire life have I felt the way I do when I’m around you. And to be honest it scares the living shit out of me.
So fine, do you want to know the real me?
The real Jayde Elizabeth Black.
Well here is your chance.

Ex heroin addict. I did prostitution when I was 18 and 19. I’ve been arrested countless times. I’ve been in such horrible
abusive relationships, that I’ve been admitted to hospital days at a time. I’ve run away, I’ve cheated, I’ve lied, I’ve done such horrible, nasty fucking things. And not once have I ever felt bad about it. When I’m in a good mood I’ve probably had something; yes what a fucking hypocrite I am. I’m such a sadistic little whore, and all with good reason. Little miss naughty of Camden, New Jersey. Please come down!

Sometimes I shake so bad I can’t even talk, I get so paranoid I hide in the closet with all the lights off and the only sound is my short, sharp gasps of poisonous, polluted air. When I’m mad I take painkillers. When I’m sad I take the Prozac, when I’m happy.. well that’s usually because of the Prozac.

I’m a fucking bitch deep down inside and I’m so fucking ashamed of myself, this is me this is who I am and I do not deserve anymore chances. I need to crash and burn for once and not be saved, because I aint going to learn if everyone keeps fucking saving me.

Have you notice I only update this thing when I’m upset or I’m mad, because otherwise all I have to say is annoying shit about how much I think I might love my life and how fucking perfect the fucking world is after the cocktail of drugs I’ve taken.

So here you go. Everyone in this household is fucked up, and I’d like to think I’m not that bad. But I wont stop any one from judging me, cause that’s honestly not cool.

Look under the mattress, you’ll find hundreds of pages of smudged black messy handwriting, letters addressed to you that never got sent. I’d write how much I love you and how sorry I am across the walls with violent red lipstick if I had to. Forgive me when I’m at my worst, and when I think I hate you.

I love you; but I don’t think I’m ready for all of this yet.

Whothefuckamitotellyouwhoithinkiam.

Girls like me don’t get the perfect boys like you, defect for defect. We’re a perfectionists worst nightmare. Nights alone with you are the most amazing times of my life. Don’t let me forget how much I love you.. and how much you mean to me. Because if I ever lose you then I’m dead to the world.

Self destruction at it’s finest.

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